Spoiler Alert: I’m having a harder time laughing it off…
Wow you guys. I started this blog 3 years ago with dewy-eyed wonderment and the grandest of intentions. If you haven’t read my very first blog post, please feel free to check it out before proceeding. I just refreshed my own memory, and I have to admit, it made me feel a few things. Pride, sadness, longing, thankfulness – they’re all present here today. I’m proud I had the courage to speak so openly about my experiences. I’m sad that I don’t find happiness in my singleness as easily these days. I long for a time when I didn’t physically feel my biological clock ticking away the seconds of my best potential child-baring years. I’m incredibly grateful for friends and family who still love and care for me in ways I cannot love and care for myself.
So here I am. It has been six years since I dated someone. Six years since I kissed someone romantically. Six years since I was held like that, looked at like that, talked to like that. Other than a few awkward let-me-dance-up-on-you moments at one random bar or another (because I’m out so often *sarcasm*), I’ve had no indication that anyone has even been interested in me.
Now that I’m a whopping 28, singleness looks a lot different than it did at 25 just three years ago. Sometimes it looks like an independent woman, working hard to provide for herself, enjoying down time alone on the weekends, cooking extravagant meals just because she likes to cook – even if just for one. I get to watch whatever I want on TV when I come home from work every afternoon. I get to listen to a podcast about the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise on road trips. I take myself to the movies almost every weekend – to see whatever I want. I go to bed when I want to; I get up when I want to. I go home to see my family whenever I want to. I spend all my money on me (and Gabby, of course).
Sometimes it looks a lot less empowered. Sometimes it’s me struggling to pay the bills because I’m in a single income household. Sometimes I’m crying on the phone to my mom or over FaceTime with my best friends. I wonder what’s wrong with me. Is my personality too strong? Am I too fat? I want children so badly that, at times, it physically hurts. I don’t travel as much as I’d like to because there aren’t many places I want to go alone. I spend most of my free time alone. I miss having someone to call my own, someone who absolutely adores me. I wish I had a partner to lean on, to bounce ideas off of, to share in my joy and in my pain, to plan a future with. I go to bed alone; I wake up alone. I run home to see my family when my loneliness becomes suffocating. I panic at the thought that maybe God intends for me to be single forever.
Yeah, it gets a little dark and depressing. Thankfully, I haven’t lost my support system or my sense of humor. Like I said, it’s harder to laugh it off nowadays; but it’s not impossible. I still find moments of joy and laughter – with family, friends, and within. Here’s the thing: I’m still single because I’ve chosen to be. Well kind of.
In 2011, when my last relationship (THE relationship) ended, I prayed that God would know my heart. He and I agreed that I was done dating. I was ready to be married. I wanted the next guy that came along to be THE guy. I knew my heart couldn’t take another heartbreak like I had experienced then. I knew what I wanted – to be a wife and mother – and what I was capable of – being the ultimate life partner. My parents bought me this beautiful pearl ring, and I had “Be still.” engraved in the band to remind myself that whatever God brought into my life would be worth the wait. Well, 2011 Caitlin, be careful what you pray for!
Unfortunately, I tend to find myself wallowing in singleness more often than thriving in it. But in those wallowing moments, I’m always reminded of this prayer and God’s faithfulness to my request. He’s always trying to draw me closer to Him, I’m just not always receptive to it. Sometimes I feel angry that I’m still alone… knowing that He’s only giving me all that I asked for. I used to say He was just working on my future husband, but I know now that He’s working on me too. There are still things I need to improve upon in order to be the best partner I can be. I truly feel that the Lord would not have put the desire to be a wife and mother so heavily on my heart if it wasn’t meant to be for me. I continue to pray that, if He doesn’t intend to bring such things into my life, he will take these desires away. And yet here I am. Writing this for all of you to read. I still want it.
I’m trying to be still. I’m trying to enjoy the time I have with friends and family while waiting to start my own. I’m seeking peace. And I’m trying to rely on God in the meantime for comfort and support, to ease my loneliness.
Don’t worry about me. I’m still here. I’m still laughing it off.
